Thursday, December 11, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
In December of 2013 I attended a house concert, my very first, at the Oak Mountain Hideaway House, which is actually just over the river and through the woods from my home. This was a delightful and highly meaningful experience for me, one that I will (God willing) always remember that has taught me a valid life lesson, in all actuality, maybe a few of them. The atmosphere was chill, the hosts were warm and accepting, the house was lovely, and the talent was AMAZING! My first house concert experience was with Mr. Ben Taylor, son of musical legends James Taylor and Carly Simon. YES!! Conceived of the sperm of JAMES TAYLOR and birthed out of the vagina of CARLY SIMON!! I watched him perform in a living room, in front of a grand fireplace complete with Christmas décor. I also was fortunate enough to meet him afterward and perform a song for the man on the guitar that he played that night, which blew me away and almost brought on a panic attack all at the same time. It was like meeting the son of gods; it was like having a conversation with Hercules??! Okay, I am well aware that he is just a man, but aside from his amazing music, he’s my type of people. As it were, it was a night of music, listening and lessons.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Eating in the Light of the Moon: how women can transform their relationships with food through myths, metaphors, & storytelling by Anita Johnston, Ph.D.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
I never became underweight which is required for an anorexia nervosa diagnosis but, like many other diagnostic orphans, I exhibited all of the same behaviors as someone diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. Had I taken the EAT-26 (Eating Attitudes) test back then, I'm sure it would have indicated I had a real problem. I also lost 35% of my body weight which actually WOULD get an anorexia nervosa diagnosis according to earlier versions of the DSM, which called for a weight loss of at least 25%. The DSM has changed since then a couple of times and is now on its 5th edition. In the newest edition I would be diagnosed as OSFED, atypical anorexia nervosa. Even though I gained all of the weight that I lost back after I stopped restricting on top of my intense exercise regime, I still carried many of these behaviors with me into my 30’s; I still struggle with the Binge/Purge pattern even in other areas of my life. Ed is still in my head and still has a big say in my daily life, whether I am fully aware of it or not. Awareness is half the battle. Eating disorders are behavioral disorders, and let’s face it...behaviors don’t just magically go away because you refuse to acknowledge them or time passes. There is still a residue. And while I am not currently dealing with full blown disordered eating anymore, I am still dealing with a lot of behavioral residue from the days when I was. I believe you need to acknowledge and change behaviors or you will unconsciously relive them repeatedly. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
Monday, October 6, 2014
I Liked Everything I Saw on Facebook for Two Days. Here’s What It Did to Me by Mat Honan
“By liking everything, I turned Facebook into a place where there was nothing I liked.”
I Quit Liking Things On Facebook for Two Weeks. Here’s How It Changed My View of Humanity. By Elan Morgan (Shmutzie)
“The Like is the wordless nod of support in a loud room.”
Why I Stopped Liking Things on Facebook By Donna B
Facebook Manipulates Our Moods For Science And Commerce: A Roundup by Elise Hu
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
In the beginning there was Nothing, and we both came forth out of the Void, out of the dark, into form. At first we were a gas, and eventually molten metal, and then we bled together in the center of the universe, the center of our being, the Beginning. As gases, we mixed, but the feeling was fuzzy and subtle, but as we blended as liquid gold, copper, steel, bronze---we crashed into our Selves, and we merged as One solid form, and as we cooled we began to beat together, our friction making a song that moved our lives along and brought us back from the dream that we woke up in when we fell asleep in each Other's arms.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Earlier today I fretted over my mental progress a bit. I'm trying to bring the light of consciousness to my inner world, and get to the bottom of my moods and behaviors. Most things I am working through have roots in my childhood. Trauma is a funny thing. Okay, no, actually, it's not at all, but it is odd. Even after the trauma itself is over it leaves a residue that you need to scrub off of your psyche, I guess you could say. I'm elbow deep and scrubbing, but I think I need steel wool or something sometimes. I've been trying to understand my triggers better and I'm shining a spot light on things that have been hidden in darkness for years, but the healing process doesn't work unless you FEEL the past so it can be released. The purpose of a feeling is to be felt. How mad do you get when somebody ignores you? Think of how pissed off repressed and suppressed feelings can get.
I feel as though most times I am running on empty, so what am I actually running on? Fumes? Old energies are mostly what fuels me; old patterns, thoughts, habits, and behaviors have me locked into their vicious cycle of negative regurgitation. That's fuel made from past trauma. I am resisting, but what am I resisting? What I'm denying are mere memories, but it's not the memories themselves being denied but rather the emotions tied to those memories. All of these things have me fighting against the current of Life, but in truth resistance is futile if you wish to avoid suffering. I'm learning to change my fuel, reboot my system. It's a process...and quite the journey. I listened to Concrete Blonde's song Bloodletting earlier today and thought 'That's what I'm talking about!' That was foreshadowing. I need an emotional bloodletting. I need to release all of the pent up feelings that never were granted expression. I need to bleed out my demons. You can deny feelings all you want, but they will be felt EVENTUALLY on your terms or on theirs. I'd rather it be on my terms.
After getting instructions via the phone from my husband I made my first attempt. The furnace kicked on but shut off again. I obviously hadn't bled it right, but was getting too frustrated being in the middle of my yacking, incessant toddler and my instructing husband on the line. I declared I would figure it out and hung up the phone. I did just that. Fuel spraying out of your furnace can be a little intimidating, but after a few failed attempts, I figured out where I went wrong. Three soda bottles later and I had successfully bled the furnace properly. Celie and I high fived and cheered as the blower kicked on and started to heat our home again. I was proud of myself, and the sound of the furnace brought a real sense of accomplishment. I can now bleed a furnace. It might not be a huge accomplishment, but it's more than some men can do...and that's the truth!
This, of course, is a metaphor. When you run out of fuel, you can end up sucking air, running on fumes, if you will. You can put all of the fuel you want into your tank, but the furnace won't work until you bleed the air out of the lines....ALL of the air. I can pour all the fuel I want in my tank, but I need to clear my lines before any changes I make will be lasting.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
My wonderful Easter Lily still blooms as I write this. I'm inhaling its lovely fragrance with every in breath and there are still three buds left to open. I intentionally picked one that had no open flowers when I bought it last Wednesday. We've been watching it bloom and it just gets prettier and more fragrant with each passing day. Each flower is a new celebration, and that is truly the gift that keeps on giving!This past week has been one of celebration and today it continues with Earth Day! First it was holy week and we were presented with all of the biblical tales on TV. I watched Mary, Mother of Jesus last Thursday, mostly for the portrayal of Jesus by one Mr. Christian Bale, but was moved more by the mother of Christ instead. Moved to tears, actually, but that was nothing compared to what followed.
UP, which stands for Uplifting entertainment, is the network I caught the holy week shows on...ironically. Mary, Mother of Jesus was followed by an encore showing of The Passion of The Christ. I had already seen this Mel Gibson take on the crucifixion story, but decided to watch it again, since it was holy week and all. Cry me a river, and I honestly did. It's worse than when I watch Titanic. I understand the 'need' for the depiction of violence in this story, but I can barely make it through it. So, I sat there while my kid slept next to me watching The Passion of The Christ in honor of Easter, which seems odd, but you can't really depict the life of Jesus without dealing with that whole crucifixion thing. Sadly, it's what made Jesus memorable to many. What did Jesus do? He simply loved people and spread the awareness of that love and for that he was violently murdered. Talk about insult to injury. Basically he threatened the life of The Ego. He was attempting to wake up the world, but most of the unconscious masses enjoy their slumber. "Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do!" They really don't.
Wednesday I had therapy and bought myself an Easter Lily. Thursday night I wept for Jesus and read The Drama of The Gifted Child, then on Good Friday I made some ribs on the grill and welcomed my husband home proper. Easter came and went. Sunday was also our twin nieces' birthday (which also happened to be 4/20). Now today is Earth Day! Crucifixion and celebration, I guess they go hand in hand? Bunnies and eggs, crosses and lilies. We celebrate the renewal of life and welcome the flowering gifts of spring. We have survived the fruitless days of winter and are eager to once again grow towards the light. Fertility and the continuity of life, that's what we celebrate when the Easter lilies bloom. After the holiday has passed, my lily continues to bloom and surrounds me with sweet fragrance and for that I am grateful. Happy Earth Day!