Thursday, November 19, 2015

Good-Bye Coffee

Good-bye coffee.
Good-bye cream.
Good-bye old habits and pipe dreams.
Good-bye heartache.
Good-bye losses.
Good-bye crutches and sour sauces.
Good-bye Eddie 
Good-bye Dee. 
I surrender; I am free.

You Pitch, I Catch Your Grief

You built this wall in the space between us, 
You brought it forth from your own mind and erected it in the center of our reality. 
You gave it a persona and a hair cut.
You named her Love and bought her a one-way ticket,
But you were unaware that you were courting Fear. 
None the wiser that you were kissing Emptiness.
You necked Regret.
You bedded Longing. 
Now you turn to me with your pain. 
You send out your S.O.S. 
Pulse code, through your heartbeat. 
You mocked me once for being weak. 
Funny, how you are now the same as I once was. 
Funny, how I do not mock your display of weakness. 
You mourn, you search, you grieve.
This separation is only an illusion, yet you believe the lies it tells. 
The truth is eternal.
The truth is wholeness. 
I am not missing from you:
Look inside and you will find me.
Go within and hold me there.


Sunday, November 8, 2015

The Harvest: Reaping What You've Sewn

I was given this cactus by my friend, Hilary, when she downsized to a camper and decided to travel for a bit. She got rid of a lot of personal belongings; I also got two cockatiels, a gay pair of finches and a cute little corner stand. Gay, as in two males that were in love and lived in a house-shaped cage. Cute, as in it is small and decorate. Stuff. Stuff stuff stuff. It seems to be everywhere.

Stuff keeps popping up but it's only what you put there. You reap what you sew. You get back what you put forth. All the clich├ęs. All of them. It really is all your fault. If you sew negative thought seeds, you will reap a negative harvest. What kind of seeds did you drop? This cactus is apparently a Harvest cactus? It just couldn't wait until Christmas. I'm surprised it was happy enough to bloom at all. It started right in the height of our kitchen remodel, among the chaos. It made me muse a bit. It's a good sign. 

Shortly after this started to bloom I noticed that one of my small Geraniums in the bedroom is actually blooming as well! Amid the mess and neglect! A beautiful, delicate pink flower. Imagine. Everything in this house is suffering; this is a bad time of year. I'm just finally getting stuff situated better and it is STILL a mess. I've neglected everything the last month and still they are finding it in themselves to bloom. 

These flowers are me. They give me hope. They are determined, perhaps a bit stubborn, and Hella hardy. They seem unaware of the chaos they bloom in...that's how I want to be. Oblivious to the mess, set on flowering. That's what you get when you take care of a plant, thought, idea, heart...it will sprout, grow, and bloom if it is tended to, even through a remodeling. The harvest will come. If you water the cactus, it will bloom when the conditions are right. It will make its own occasion.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Buster Buddy Goes to Town

On Monday, I noticed Buster was acting drastically different than he was just the day before. He was not jumping up when he normally would be, he was walking gingerly with his back arched. He would stand and stair at nothing for long periods of time when he actually did get up, and was obviously having problems sitting down and turning around. His back legs were giving out on him at times and he had his ears back and his sad face on like he was in pain. Celie noted how he was just standing in the dining room like he couldn't get past the chair beside him, "Awww, poor Butter!" she said, like she knew he wasn't right as he was just standing there. For months, something in me has been worried about Lyme disease, mostly with Celie, but I'd thought there were a few times Buster seemed off. As soon as he was weird Monday, I knew my instincts had probably been picking up on it the whole time, even though he was showing no signs and I thought I was just crazy. After getting Celie ready and out the door, I called the vet while she was at preschool and was grateful they could get him in that same day!

Buster was hilarious going up the interstate, in between solemn open window sniffing, he just sat there staring at the road ahead, calmly, like a pro traveller. He seemed to be deep in thought. What was he thinking? He looked like an old man. Most times I think he seems far wiser than I. Buster is 7 now, he is a boxer mix, he is stubborn, goofy, playful, annoyingly loving, and the best dog I have EVER had. EVER. He is so human in his emotions and expressions. I remember my sister, Ali, laughing at me when I would have full conversations with him...because he totally talks to you, guys!! He was awesome years before Celie came around, but has proved himself to be the best kid dog ever, tolerating dress up and other childhood chaos. He is so good with her, it amazes me. Celie tells me that Buster is her dog now, all the time. She also tells me, "I love Butter more than you and dad, but I still love you, I just love Butter more!" Needless to say, she would be lost without her pal, Buster. 

After a physical exam, a urinalysis and a blood test, the results came back and our poor Butter Wutter does, indeed, have Lyme disease, as well as anaplasmosis, the less heard of but almost as common tick born illness, AND a bladder infection!! No wonder the poor guy was feeling rough. So, now he has two different antibiotics to take, one twice a day for his bladder infection for 7 days and then another for the Lyme and anaplasmosis that he will take for 28 days. Hopefully the antibiotics get him feeling more like his old self again. I am getting a glimpse into old age as he hobbles around and sleeps more. I hate seeing his legs give out but am grateful he had such a bad morning Monday so we took him in. The Susquehanna Veterinary Clinic was great! Everyone was wonderful and I am hopeful that he will soon be on the mend. I am grateful. We want our Buster Buddy around for as long as possible!